As exciting as it is to be approaching the end of this pregnancy (7weeks left), it also stirs up a lot of emotions for me. Going through this year of “firsts” has been a trial all in its own. …First Christmas without Louie, First time holding a baby that wasn’t him, First night trying to sleep without him in the room, the First time someone asks you how many kids you have, First family picture taken without him there in it, Packing up his clothes and things to prepare for another baby, and many more that I will spare myself the pain of remembering. All in all it has been a year full of pain and excitement, an emotional roller coaster at best. One I wish so many times that I could have just jumped off but knew it was all meant to happen.
Knowing that it will have been a year since his passing on May 28 has filled my mind with worry. I stress about that day and what it will be like. What will my emotions be like on his Birthday May 26 and then what will I feel on the 28th. I’ve talked and emailed other parents that have gone through similar experiences and asked them what can I expect that day. There seems to be all different kind of responses and advice. One mom told me that the anxiety leading up to the day is worst than the actual day. I am hoping that is true in my case because my emotions seem to be everywhere right now leading up to it.
I have also been told to just handle the day however you want to. If being alone sounds better than being with a bunch of people than do that. But if being around people will help you get through that day with less heartache than do that. I tend to like to be left alone with my emotions, not all the time but most times it just feels better to be by myself to grieve and cry however I want to without others there to see. I put this pressure on myself to hold it together when others are around and I know on that day I won’t have much strength to keep it together so I think being by myself sounds better.
But fortunately for me my Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. I have had a very hard time processing this but I have finally come to the understanding of why the Lord made May 28, 2014 so special.
My youngest brother Darren has worked and persevered to get on a mission for 4 long years. He received his mission call to serve in the Chicago, IL mission Spanish speaking this past month. When he read his call to all of us we were over the moon so so so happy for him. He continued to read that he reports and will leave on May 28, 2014. My heart instantly sunk when I heard that date. I have had very mixed emotions on why of all the days in this whole year would he be leaving on the anniversary of Louie’s death? It has been hard because I have had no one to talk to about this because no one seems to fully understand why it bothers me.
I love my brother so much. Our whole family has been by his side throughout this process of him getting his mission call. In my heart I want him to have all excitement and joy that day will bring him when he leaves. He deserves so much for all the work he has put in. And that day will be one he will always remember. But to know that my mind and my heart will be else where is hard for me to understand. It has taken over a month for me to really pray and ask the lord why? Why would you have me have to hold it together for my brother that day instead of letting me just stay in my bed and cry all day?
The Lord knows that the feelings I will have on May 28 will only be worsened by the adding feelings of being alone. I know the Lord loves me and all he wants for me to feel that day is happiness. For how proud he is of me and what I have had to go through losing Louie. I know he wants me to feel his love, Louie’s love, and my family’s love for me. So he is giving me a big push that will force me out of my “cave” to be able to feel all the happiness and love we will all have for my brother that day. And most importantly all the love we have for Louie. I also feel my sweet boy and know he had something to do with this as well. May 28 will always be a special day for me and I have a feeling that Louie will continue to add special things to that day to make sure his mom doesn’t crumble with all this grief and pain I feel with his absence.
I write with love in hopes that it will make someones day a little brighter knowing that God has his hands in all things, even when we don’t understand it. Just Pray and be Patient our understand and answers will come. As mine did.